"Are people so unhappy when they love?"
"Yes, when they love and are unsure of being loved in return . . ."
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cheesecakes are my favorite.
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31.3.02
imagine. it's after ten o'clock and i'm not depressed or even getting there.
there is hope.
even though i'm upset about the fact that i'm going to miss the dance on the 18th and, unless you decide to go to the agape dance, it's your last dance dear.
happy easter? oh yes. happy easter!
10:26 PM
30.3.02
i was thinking about forgiveness today. i'm too tired to write about it now.
happy easter? hm.
11:19 PM
29.3.02
well, the style wasn't really my favorite (read: i didn't like it) but the songs and lyrics were really good. i got to talk to the dear one and it helped a lot. i'm not as bad off as i was before, but i'm likely to slide again.
i'm glad i went, but then again, it usually happens that way.
11:01 PM
life is making me tired again.
every time i think we're getting somewhere, something comes up to dash that hope. i find that it's better (easier?) to just not hope than to hope and then get it squashed. leaving is looking better and better. i need to talk to someone.
we're going to a concert tonight, but i don't really want to go. i'd rather curl up in my bed with some tea and something to eat and the count of monte cristo and just escape for a long while. my mom would probably tell me that wishing that is some sort of idol but i don't care.
i don't care about anything!
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
I
:
Can't
:
Care!
wait
i do care.
i care a lot.
4:43 PM
28.3.02
i am angry
i am tired
i am confused
i am scared
i'm really scared
but underneath all that, there's still that feeling, no, that knowledge that it's really not as bad as all that and the sky is still blue, the grass is still green and the sun came up this morning. (i smiled as i typed that last one)
but right now i'm seeing what's on top, not what's underneath.
i talked to my sister yesterday. it was good. it's going to be a process though.
i have my license now. that means that now i can legally drive off into the sunset. what a thought.
i was getting ready to go to bed last night when my mom called me into trevor's room. i couldn't imagine why she wanted me there, but she did, so i obeyed. when i got there, she pointed to trevor. he was asleep on his bed with his night light casting a slight glow on his face and he looked almost angellic. i really love that boy.
10:05 AM
26.3.02
i had my "maiden voyage" (as my dad put it today) by myself in the car and i didn't get killed or anything. the freedom is wonderful, but now that i have that extra priviledge, i'm under a lot more pressure as far as setting an example for my sister goes. she's going to get herself into a lot of trouble one of these days. i only hope i'm already gone by then. lets see...i've got a year and a half. she won't be driving by then. that's good. at this point, i don't trust her any farther than i could throw her. i don't like that, but it's how it's going to be for now. i'm going to have a talk with her tomorrow, i hope.
every girl should wear flowers in her hair at some time.
oh dear, its really late and i really need some sleep. i'm slipping away, away.
10:51 PM
21.3.02
opening night went beautifully. trevor really works well for an audience. i'm so tired i can't type though, so i suppose i'll go read the count of monte cristo (unabridged) and work on outlining it.
small joy of the day: getting the dance right while everyone is watching. no, wait. just getting the dance right.
10:43 PM
on the way to piano the other day, i saw a robin taking a bath in a muddy pothole on the side of the road.
my sister is above me playing piano because she's mad at mom. i hate it when that happens. she's just generally mad at the world right now, and as i happen to be part of the world she's mad at me. i don't much care.
tonight's opening night.
12:16 PM
19.3.02
oh my goodness. someone has started a blog. wow. somehow i would have never thought it possible. that seems dreadfully . . . open, for him at least. i wonder what'll get posted there.
i started playing moonlight sonata last night at rehearsal after almost everyone had gone home. i heard the stage manager gasp when i started playing and then when i couldn't play any more, i felt bad about having to stop because she said "keep going!" and i couldn't. oh well.
headed for the theatre (church) to help with set painting.
11:23 AM
18.3.02
for we all are caught in the middle
of one, long, treacherous riddle . . .
11:01 PM
17.3.02
i can't seem to get started.
today in church (sunday school) we were reading over a sheet with various verses and things to meditate on while "be thou my vision" was played in the background. (passive voice! ugh!) while we were reading and meditating, all of a sudden the rain started to get loud. it started from a light pitter, and then just steadily, quickly got louder. just when i thought it couldn't get any louder, it got just that much louder again. it was an absolute roar! i was really getting into the scripture on the page, so i tried to ignore it (as i thought "oh, listen to all these unspiritual people that are too interested in the rain to focus on God. i am better than them) but then when a huge crack of thunder came, i couldn't help but crack a grin (oops, guess i'm the unspiritual one now). thunderstorms make my day and we don't have too many around here...but when we do, boy are they amazing!
rehearsal was long and boring today.
i
:
hate
:
laser
:
pointers!!
happy saint patrick's day.
8:35 PM
16.3.02
i am utterly, amazingly tired, but i am happy for no real reason. perhaps it's joy i'm feeling. whatever it is, it's lovely.
life is good!
to quote you, dear one:
smile,
God rejoices over you
and so do i.
10:39 PM
15.3.02
wow. i am really, really tired and i've got an sat tomorrow that i am very much not ready for. oh well, i'm not worried. what's the worst that could happen? i get a wretched grade and take it again, maybe this year, maybe next year. i mean, it's not all that bad. actually, i think i'm just covering for myself because i really think i'm going to do badly.
today i got terminal stoppedness. i got done with chemestry and geometry (both tests today) and suddenly i just couldn't do any more. i'll have a lot to do tomorrow.
there's nothing like singing at the top of your lungs while you're in the house alone.
where's the girl?
11:29 PM
14.3.02
our play is coming together. not quite so painful now. i've gotten to the point where i don't compare it to SP anymore, which is a good thing.
hey! i got the scarlet pimpernel cd today! i'm a happy camper. i've wanted that for a long time. i don't know if it's good for me or not though. i don't much care.
mutated spider crickets have pushed me to the limits of my sanity. i am more or less not joking. definitely hysterically, neurotically terrified of those things.
the sunset was beautiful tonight. the clouds sort of ran in strips parallel to the mountains, and when the sun set, the cloud strips turned different shades of orange and pink, like each strip was a different shade from the next. the two or three puffs of clouds that were high in the sky were cotton candy pink.
so it's higher and higher and into the fire we go!!
11:07 PM
i'm going to write "the count of monte cristo: a new musical." of course, it will be one of those things that i start and have a lot of fun with for a while, then quit, but i'll work on it until i don't.
hey, someone told me how to make links light up when your mouse hovers over them and so now the links on my other website do that. it's so cool. oh my gosh, i can't believe i'm getting excited over some code. things are worse than i thought.
i am in a surprisingly good mood.
the sky looked cool yesterday. i was talking on the phone while standing on the front of the car and looking at the clouds. the wind was very gentle and so it played in my hair while i talked. it was just a perfect temperature, i think "cool" is the best word to describe it. and the sky was blue except where there were clouds, and then there were some really dark clouds just north (ha!) of the really blue spot. it was strange because it was really a bright evening, but the way our windows face, you could only see the dark clouds and so, unless you actually went outside, you couldn't tell how nice it was out there. then, as the sun began to set, the dark grey clouds started to turn more of a purple, then pinkish until you couldn't see them anymore. definitely a beautiful evening.
hey, we get to be out driving near sunset tonight. that's cool!
oop. gotta go vacuum. (what a strange word.)
8:54 AM
12.3.02
i now officially congratulate tony for his uncensoring of falcon in the dive on saturday. my rebellious side has been satisfied, though i would have been even happier if he had uncensored another line as well.
said by a professional translator at a meeting at the vatican:
"and now, his poopiness, the Hole . . . er, his poopiness the Pole, or rather, his Holiness the Poop."
i'm feeling gothic.
10:39 PM
11.3.02
one last thought:
i am wishy washy.
and i think too much. (thank you so much dear, i didn't think too much until i moved up here and you rubbed off on me. :-P )
i really like charlie brown.
10:47 PM
i had a lovely evening last night. my family has now started to make fun of me again, but i've decided to ignore it. oh well. things were very nice-feeling last night, even though everything wasn't perfect. the more i live, the more i realize that things don't have to be perfect to be good.
the scarlet pimpernel was breath-taking. gabriel makes fun of me for describing it that way, but it was. our little oliver play is nothing in comparison. tonight i was sitting in the audience while they were rehearsing and it was so bad it was almost painful to listen to. i almost left and went into the foyer, but decided not to. i was too lazy to get up.
whoa, i just got an email from a german lady that i met via lion the witch and the wardrobe and she sent the entire email auf deutsch and i'm just a little lost. i caught most of it though. i really wish i knew german better.
hmm. i think these posts have changed since i knew someone was reading them, but i didn't want them to. i wonder what to do about that.
10:27 PM
7.3.02
oh, to be naive again...what i would give.
i had a really, really good day today. i'm supposed to be in bed now.
10:50 PM
6.3.02
well. i'm getting to bed earlier and earlier. that makes me happy and should make someone else happy too, dear. my stomach has been hovering between 5 and 10 on a pain scale of 1-100 and now it's beginning to get worse again.
unless i encounter intense opposition with good arguments, i'm changing the url to this site to an unknown address on friday.
stomach ulcers are worsened by stress. i wonder what that means.
9:21 PM
aunt debbie says that i probably have an ulcer. now that sounds reasonable. i wonder if those are curable. i'll have to look into that.
oh dear. somehow i wish i had just kept this blog to myself and just continued using it as a journal. i'll bet the url is going to change soon.
1:27 PM
5.3.02
i went to the doctor today. some help she was. the sum total of what she said was yep, your stomach hurts all right. i think thanks, i could have told you that. i feel miserable right now and i'm going to bed.
9:47 PM
4.3.02
saturday i was worried, sunday i felt fine all day and now today my stomach hurt so bad this morning that it woke me up. all morning i felt like crap and then the afternoon/evening was fine, and now i'm feeling bad again. i'm going to sleep right now just to escape. ok, telling someone now.
oh wow. i just told two people about this. i wonder if my posts will change knowing that someone is looking at them.
10:13 PM
1.3.02
yesterday we were out of milk before breakfast, so my mom and i headed out to go get some. when we got out to the car, mom had to run back into the house for something so i stood out there in the cold for a few minutes. while i was waiting, i looked at the windscreen of the car and noticed that there were snowflakes on it. since the glass of the windscreen was colder than the snowflakes themselves, they stayed on there and didn't melt. there were thousands of them on there, all perfectly preserved. it was amazing! i had never seen actual individual snowflakes before. they were always in clumps and drifts and all over the ground melting, never perfectly seperated so that i could see them. i wish everyone could see some amazing snowflakes at least once in their lives.
Small Joy of the day (actually, yesterday): Looking at thousands of perfect, intricate snowflakes.
8:05 AM
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